Profile details

 I start with the boring business stuff but if you just want a laugh the jokes are at the end - just scroll down!

I was born at a very early age in the quaint little rural hamlet of Kilmaurs in Ayrshire on the West coast of Scotland. It was whilst growing up here that I developed an interest which became a passion for local history and all things Scottish. I am a true patriot and nothing gives me greater pleasure than sounding forth on some of the lesser known works of Scotland's national poet - Robert Burns.More Burns info here.

 I also get involved in the local after dinner speaker's circuit giving short humorous, enecdotal and motivational speeches.

After graduating with a degree in Business Economics and Marketing I spent a couple of years in insurance before finding my niche in office furniture.I have spent some twenty odd years in the office supplies and office furniture business with roles in General Management and Sales Management. Companies such as Treeby / Corporate Express, Active Office Scotland, McKellars, Wagstaff and Lynch McQueen (part of Oyez Straker Group).Although my area of expertise is office furniture I can also offer you assistance with all pre printed stationery, business supplies, av and presentation equipment, I T consumables and office technology . At Lynch McQueen we are your one stop office shop! Anyone requiring help or assistance in the procurement of their office furniture is invited to contact me. Honest, genuine advice freely given! Any organisation establishing, expanding or relocating an office in Scotland should make contact and benefit from my experience and local contacts.

 From the Reception...

 ...to the Boardroom ...

..and all of the offices in between...

... let me help you to create a better office environment.

With individual personal attention throughout the duration of your project from conception to completion, innovation to implementation. I am almost as passionate about office furniture as I am about Robert Burns!!

 If you think that I may be able to offer you assistance - just ask! Mobile 07717 172282

Round Table

 I am a past chairman of Stewarton and District Round Table and have just recently been kicked out to pasture in the 41 Club! I am still an enthusiastic supporter of Round Table activities and I have been helping with our latest fund raising event. Round Table provides a great opportunity for social networking whilst helping the less fortunate in your local community.

Ecademy

 As an Ecademy Buddy I am only too pleased to offer assistance or encouragement to any fellow Ecademists, either new or lapsed, who want to find out more about the huge potential which this site offers. See Ecademy here.I am also leader of the Ecademy Glasgow Network where we have regular monthly off line meetings in Glasgow city centre on the first Thursday of each month. More info here..Send me a PM or give me a call.

Business Opportunity

 If you have been looking for an inexpensive way to get started in your own internet business, then check this out:CLICK HERE You get your own domain name, website and email addresses for only £6.00 per month.You can try it for free!! Visit my personal website here.

 Family

I have been married to Sheila for the past 23 years and we have a daughter Heather who is ten  going on twenty one! A lot of my time at weekends involves chauffeuring Heather from one social engagement to the next.We live in Stewarton in Ayrshire with our fluffy grey Persian cat called Kracker.You can read a true story about my family here.

I however....... can be quite charming!! Caricature courtesy Simon Ellinas.

 Monthly Jokes

Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says 'Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink.' The other - a Chihuahua owner - says 'They'll never let us in with the dogs.' The first replies 'Just follow me', and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says 'But, this is my guide dog', and is allowed in. His friend does the same. The doorman says 'I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guide dog before' To which the guy responds 'WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!' ***********

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"  The girl leaned over the counter and said,. . . . . . "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing." ************

A man goes into the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello." He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my bottom with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly ---------, "No, I'm your son's teacher!" ************

 A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall." ***************************

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" ********

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" ******

While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. "No problem, just let me in," says the MSP. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MSP. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted." *** If at first you don't succeed - don't take up sky diving!

 Why wont a rattlesnake bite a salesman? -- Professional courtesy!

Why does a new tie always attract the soup of the day?

Following the success of Welsh actresses Catherine Zeta Jones, Katherine Jenkins and Charlotte Church the Welsh film industry are going to remake some classic films: 9 1/2 Leeks, Trefforest Gump, Cwmando, The Lost Boyos, Dai Hard, an American Werewolf in Powys, The Eagle has Llandudno, A Fishguard called Rhondda, Dial M for Merthyr and the Llanfairpwyllgwngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilligogogoch that Time Forgot!

 "A little ignorance can go a long way!" "All I ask is the opportunity to prove that money wont buy me happiness!"

 "A pat on the back is only a few inches above a kick in the A***"

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A. The car salesman can probably drive!

 Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef.

You should always give 100% at work... 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

 Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping? A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

 Q: What do you call someone who gets drunk and kicks lumps out of Daleks? A: Dr Whooligan!!

Did you hear about the the poor guy who couldn't pay his Exorcist's bill? He ended up having his house repossessed!

 Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? A: Someone who waits up all night wondering if there really is a DOG!

My daughter asked me:" Dad, do all fairy stories begin with once upon a time?" I replied : "No, most start off with " when elected I promise to....""

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.

 Q. Which monarch invented fractions? A. Henry the eighth!

 A man goes to a fancy dress party with no costume only his girlfriend on his back. "What are you meant to be ?" asks the host. "I am a snail" he answered. "How can you be a snail? You've just got a girl on your back?" replies the host. "She's not just a girl. That's Michelle!"

 Previous Quotes :"When I die. I want it to be like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming and shouting like all the passengers in his car!" "The years have been kind to me - it was the weekends that did all the damage!"

A man walks into the doctors and says: " Doctor, Doctor, you have got to help me. I keep thinking that I am a moth!" The Doctor says " I cannot help you. You should have gone to the psychiatrist next door!" The man replies:" I know, I only came in here because your light was on!"!

 I hope that at least some of these brought a smile to your face! ;) If you feel that I may be able to help in any way - please get in touch. who knows where this serendipity might lead.! RG

I'm a Porsche 911! > You have a classic style, buthttp://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/images/911.jpg" you're up-to-date with the latest technology. You're ambitious, competitive, and you love to win.  Performance, precision, and prestige - you're one of the elite,and you know it. Take the http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar">Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.